I’ve found that one of the problems with anxiety, is that the panic attacks are sometimes triggered by situations I can’t control. The actions of others can suddenly and without warning start the panic and the sensation of feeling overwhelmed seeps in.
You want to help, you want to sort it and fix it, but you can’t. It’s not your situation, and it’s a problem you can’t fix, however much you want to.
The Westminster terror attacks happened and that unsettled feeling descended across the country I live in, and also on me.
I wanted to protect everyone I loved, to put them in a bubble and never let them out. I wanted that feeling of fear to disappear, and the tight knot to loosen.
Anxiety like that hits straight away. It doesn’t build up, but it hits and takes control straight away. You feel helpless, you want answers, and you want someone to say “Don’t worry it will be ok”.
I realise that I’m now an adult and have to face up to the fact I live in a world where there are people who are intent on hurting others, and want to destroy the peace that so many people have built up.
As I watched the 6 ‘o’ clock news and saw the events that had unfolded that day, my beautiful 4 year old came running up to me full of excitement, pointing at the sky shouting “It’s orange. Mummy. The sky is orange”. At that moment a change happened.
In that moment I saw the world through her eyes. The innocence that we all once had, but that time had taken away, was looking at me with these big blue eyes. I looked out the window at the orange sky.
I had been too pre-occupied in the horrors in the world to appreciate the beauty in the world. In that moment I felt such love for my daughter that, when I hugged her, I asked her to change the world to which she agreed.
I’m not sure she understood the responsibility she had taken on but she hadn’t said “no”, so there was hope.
My anxiety had melted away. The fear had gone and was replaced by hope, and that feeling of needing to make the world a safer place for her came in. The control was back along with the appreciation of life and it released the fear and panic that was there.
I know as a parent that one day I will have to let my daughter into this world and tell her of the bad things going on the world around us, but for now I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to take away the innocence of believing in the magic, or give her worries that she doesn’t need. We take for granted being young whilst we are young, and only appreciate it when we‘re no longer that age.
It shows me that although my anxiety can come on suddenly, it can disappear just as quickly and that sometimes it is out of your control. But that’s ok, as you’ll always have the balance; you just either have to wait for it, or find it.